When a Loved One Gets Cancer

TITLE: WHEN A LOVED ONE GETS CANCER
SCRIPTURE: Psalm 13
Written by: Dr Conrade Yap
Date: September 5th, 2015

"I have Stage One cancer."

Five words speak volumes. Five words strike fear. These five words are like five pebbles dropped into still waters, creating ripples of all kinds of emotions throughout the pond. In five words, all of our busyness and concerns flow back into perspective. Suddenly, life no longer is about jobs, reputation, or climbing the career ladder. Cancer is one of the most dreaded words ever to be uttered in any family. After hearing about it, what do we do?

This week, I heard news of at least two cases of people getting cancer. They were from people I know. It knocked me off my regular schedule. My prayer list just got longer. Like many people, I felt troubled. I didn't know what to do. Downhearted, I took it to the Lord in prayer. Tempted to ask why,

PSALM 13 (italics mine)

1How long, Lord? Will you forget me forever?
          How long will you hide your face from me?
2How long must I wrestle with my thoughts
          and day after day have sorrow in my heart?
          How long will my enemy (of cancer) triumph over me?3Look on me and answer, Lord my God.
          Give light to my eyes, or I will sleep in death,4and my enemy (that cancer) will say, “I have overcome him,”
          and my foes (fears, anxieties, and pain) will rejoice when I fall.5But I trust in your unfailing love;
          my heart rejoices in your salvation.6I will sing the Lord’s praise,
          for he has been good to me.

Like many other psalms, this is a psalm of lament. It is a plea to God in prayer to help the downcast and the discouraged. It allows the heart to express to God the deepest longings of the heart, to share with God the hurts and the pains that one is going through. According to Walter C. Kaiser, ex-Professor of Old Testament and past President of Gordon-Conwell Theological Seminary, Psalm 13 is the lament of an individual who was hurting and suffering. There are at least 39 other psalms that can be classified as lament psalms. Instead of succumbing to continuous trumpeting of victorious songs and beating of the happy drums, lament psalms are used to capture the profound essence of what it means to be human. It makes one real and honest enough to confront the things that really matter. Kaiser adds:

"Suffering does not go away merely if we pretend it does not exist; it does exist and it does continue to hurt and cause suffering. Nor is there any sort of magic pill that can suddenly remove the heavy weight that suffering lowers on mortals’ spirits and shoulders. But the most comforting news is that where there is pain, grief, and hurt, there is God!....   The reason for suffering that is the focus of these laments can be attributed to three main causes: self, an enemy, or the Lord himself. In the lament, pain, grief, and suffering are given the dignity of language." (Walter C. Kaiser, "The Laments of Lamentations" in The Psalms, edited by Andrew J. Schmutzer and David M. Howard Jr, Moody Press, 2013, p112-4)

Halfway Prayers

TITLE: HALFWAY PRAYERS
SCRIPTURE: John 17:20-23
Written by: Dr Conrade Yap
Date: October 2nd, 2013

“20“My prayer is not for them alone. I pray also for those who will believe in me through their message, 21that all of them may be one, Father, just as you are in me and I am in you. May they also be in us so that the world may believe that you have sent me. 22I have given them the glory that you gave me, that they may be one as we are one— 23I in them and you in me—so that they may be brought to complete unity. Then the world will know that you sent me and have loved them even as you have loved me.” (John 17:20-23)

Everything goes back to God.

Looking at the prayer of Jesus for all believers, I notice that Jesus prays what I call complete prayers. Right from verse 20, Jesus does not simply pray for his own disciples, he prays for all believers. He does not just pray for them individually, he prays for them that they may be one, united, and together. He does not just pray for the disciples to be in him, but in “us” directing focus back to God the Father. From God, he prays again with a link back to the themes of unity in Christ, reconciliation with God, and the spread of the gospel to all the world, demonstrating that God’s love had come to the world.

Such prayers remind me of Acts 1:8, that when the Holy Spirit comes, the disciples were called to witness the gospel in Jerusalem, Judea, Samaria, and to the far ends of the earth.

A) Halfway Prayers (College Years)

What are halfway prayers? Since my University years, I cannot help but notice the sharp rise in attendance at prayer meetings when students are too stressed up about their exams. Those who rarely go to fellowship meetings suddenly turned up. People who were not Christians at all, decided to get some divine “power” in order to do well in their studies. Such need-dependent motives are very common. A typical prayer goes like this:

“God, help me with my exam paper tomorrow. I am panicking and you know how I feel right? So help me God. Amen.”
 Another popular student's prayer comes in the following manner. There is a humour in it, but shows forth how incomplete it seems.

“Now I lay me down to study,
I pray the Lord I won't go nutty.
And if I fail to learn this junk
I pray the Lord that I won't flunk.
But if I do, don't pity me at all,
Just lay my bones in the study hall,
Tell my teacher I've done my best,
And pile my books upon my chest.

Now I lay me down to rest,
To pray I'll pass tomorrow's test;
But if I die before I wake,
That's one less test I'll have to take.

Even panicking parents often ask for prayers on behalf of their children. Why do I call this halfway prayers? When I look at how such prayers are understood in the light of John 17, I feel like I have not prayed in the manner Jesus had prayed.

Jesus prayed: “My prayer is not for them alone.” How many of our prayers are “for us” or for certain people “alone?” Jesus stretched his prayers from disciples to all believers; from all believers to all non-believers.

Jesus prayed for unity “that all of them may be one.” We pray for good exam results. We pray for calm hearts. We even pray for cool heads and comfort. What about our prayers bringing glory to God? How are our prayers patterned after Christ in his love and concern beyond our small world into the larger world? Jesus prayed for the spread of the message of love. How are our prayers moving that forward? 


POINT: Halfway prayers are basically prayers of a person who desperately needs to grow beyond self-concerns.

True Helping

TITLE: TRUE HELPING
SCRIPTURE: 2 Thessalonians 3:10
Written by: Dr Conrade Yap
Date: 22 November 2012

For even when we were with you, we gave you this rule: “If a man will not work, he shall not eat.” - 2 Thessalonians 3:10

You see a poor man begging on the road. What do you do? Do you stop to give a dollar or two? Or do you simply walk pass the man, complaining about them being lazy and unwilling to work? Or do you do something more?

Cycle of Poverty Plan Canada

Whenever I drive past Chinatown, images of poverty and unemployment populate the entire neighbourhood called the Down Town East Side (DTES), infamously called the poorest district of the entire West Coast of Canada. There is heavy police presence. Well-dressed individuals are hardly seen. It is common to see people lazing on the ground, straddling across the roads, without a care in the world about their own safety. The faces tell the same story. Helpless. Hapless. Hopeless.

Can the Christians do something about it? The spirit is willing but the plans are often terrible. 

It is a familiar cycle. It begins with a restlessness that the Church can do more. This is enthusiastically followed by a gathering of a few like-minded individuals. Exciting plans are laid out. Resources are sought out. Approval is obtained. Before long, the Church is on the way to doing something good for the poor and the needy. A neighbourhood Community Church is one example. Each Christmas, they will organize a collection of gifts for children and hungry families. With volunteers, they wrap the toys. They gather their children to do the same. They deliver them to families that have been identified as "poor and needy." Sometimes, they will even sing carols and mingle with the folks. The feeling is good. The mood is loving. It is all good. Pastor J is ecstatic and says to himself, "This is what true ministry is about."

A) Christmas Giving

The next year, it happens again. Christmas comes. Gifts are collected and wrapped. Carols are sweetly rendered. After the novelty starts to wane, Pastor J notices a reduction in volunteers and helpers. Finally, he receives one feedback:

"Pastor, we are tired of trying to help these people out. We have been bringing them things for several years now, but their situation never improves. They just sit there in the same situation year in and year out. Have you ever noticed that there are no men in the apartments when we deliver the toys? The residents are all unwed mothers who just keep having babies in order to collect bigger and bigger welfare checks. They don't deserve our help." (Steve Corbett, & Brian Fikkert, When Helping Hurts, Chicago, IL: Moody Press, 2012, p63)

What has happened to the initial fanfare and excitement? Why are good people feeling tired from all the "good work" they have been doing? Why the change of mood? Simply put, no improvement or no progress is the single most discouraging factor for any ministry.

Call it charitable fatigue or helper exhaustion. The truth is, when we try to give people fishes instead of equipping them how to fish, we will be like digging holes of codependence. Give someone the first time, and they will appreciate it. Give them a second time, and they will anticipate it. Give a third time, and expectations will be formed. Give a fourth time, they will develop a sense of entitlement. Give five times and we will have created a codependence relationship where we are the powerful giver and they are the helpless receiver. This vicious cycle of helping is not only unhelpful, it is harmful.

B) The Biblical Example

Paul's reprimand to certain people in the Thessalonian Church is against idleness. It is not enough to say that one has faith. One needs to let that move toward action. It is not enough to say that we want to want. We need to put into action the plans we have. It is also not enough to say that we want to help. We need to do our homework on how best we can help, not just on our own terms, but what is the most helpful terms for the sake of the other person. The instruction is pretty universal. If a man will not work, he will not eat. We are what we invest in. The problem with some people is that they have a wrong sense of what faith means. Will pure prayer and fasting help an unemployed person? Will simply repeating words of faith do anything?

The problem with an idle man is not whether they are able to work. It is in their unwillingness to work, choosing instead to wait for the last days to take form, while they idle themselves. The Greek word "thelo" in 2 Thess 3:10 is the same verb used for the lame man at the pool of Bethsaida where Jesus asks, "Do you wish to get well?"

When a man is unwilling, questions need to be asked to rouse the man up from his sleep. The biggest problem among those of us who are poor and perpetually needy is the loss of dignity. This is especially so in a materialistic world where money talks, and where reputation flies. Rich people get all the attention. Poor people get none, apart from a passing condescending mention whenever one drives past the poor neighbourhood. Rich people can order people about while poor people gets pushed around. Rich people have materially plenty. Poor people are needy both materially and non-materially.

C) Working Hard or Hardly Working?

Don't get me wrong. I am not against prayer or fasting. I am also not saying that faith is unimportant. We need to be people of faith that is demonstrated through faithfulness with what we already have. If you have legs, walk. If you have eyes, see. If you have ears, hear. If you have hands, work! Honestly, sometimes the best advice one can give to an idle man is to rebuke him for any inaction. That said, it is also important to appreciate the circumstances behind each poor person. This calls for wisdom and discernment in any desire to help.

• Are there physical weakness we do not know of?
• Are they trapped in a system that abuses or prevents them from growth?
• Are they able to walk on their own two feet now, or do they need temporary hand-holding?
• ...

We need to balance affirmative action with grace. Many churches in North America are considered quite well to do. They contain a sizeable number of affluent individuals who are able to provide lots of material help. Just think of short-term mission trips. We see far more North American churches sending teams to the poorer nations than the other way around. Have we ever taken the time to consider the two questions and which reflects the reality better?

#1 - We help others based on what they truly need.

#2 - We help others based on what *WE THINK* they need.

D) True Help

True help begins when we learn to recognize our own brokenness first, before we can help others. It is because the world is broken, we see life being strewn about in broken pieces. There are people with emotional hurts. There are those with physical handicaps. There are also people who really try to find employment, but have been rejected over and over again. There are people who are victims of the system. There are the despondent and the depressed, the tired and the lonely, the down and out. Only when we develop the eyes of Jesus, can we attain a heart of compassion. Then, and only then, we will learn to let our brokenness, motivate us to reach out to others.

Tom is a well to do Christian. He goes to Church, has a nice house, a well-made car, and a cushy job. He too wants to do good. He even gives to charity regularly. Yet, he is always complaining about how the poor are not helping themselves. He is right, but also wrong. Right in the sense that there is no improvement in the poverty cycle. Wrong in trying to straitjacket poverty into one single problem. The truth is, poverty is an extremely complex problem. There is a different story behind each individual poor. There is a unique tale behind each beggar. Poverty never really gets resolved because far too many well-intentioned individuals fail to understand the complexity of the poverty world. Poverty alleviation is a very complex issue. It is not about doling out cash or gifts. It is about connecting their sense of brokenness with our own brokenness, like a beggar telling another beggar where to find food.

The community Church, Pastor J, Tom, and many people have good intentions. However, good intention alone is not enough. I will even call it Step 0. Step 1 is about recognizing our own brokenness.

As long as we fail to recognize our own brokenness, we will cause more harm than good in the long run. Let me offer a start. We can all pray. We can all read Scripture. We can all talk about helping. If you really want to start, true helping begins by knowing the person you are trying to help. Take time to talk. Take time to pray for that person. Take time to understand the story. This ability to "take time" must come from an important source: To recognize that we too are broken people. When this happens, we are ready to really help.

THOUGHT: "True helping is not about giving things away. True helping is about walking along with the needy in a way that is helpful for them, according to what they really need, not what we perceive their needs to be."

sabbathwalk

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Copyright by SabbathWalk. This devotional is sent to you free of charge. If you feel blessed or ministered to by SabbathWalk weekly devotionals, feel free to forward to friends, or to invite them to subscribe online at http://blog.sabbathwalk.org . You can also send me an email at cyap@sabbathwalk.org for comments or enquiries.

Toughest Job in the World?

TITLE: TOUGHEST JOB IN THE WORLD?
SCRIPTURE: Psalm 121
Written by: Dr Conrade Yap
Date: 5 September 2012

"He will not let your foot slip— he who watches over you will not slumber; indeed, he who watches over Israel will neither slumber nor sleep." (Psalm 121:3-4)

My first industrial attachment experience occurred when I was in engineering school. In my third year, I had to apply for a temporary job that lasts six months. It was one way in which my training would be more practice-oriented. Students were given a chance to apply to major engineering corporations or other approved places of work. Some of my esteemed peers, received invitations to work almost immediately. Others like myself had to go through the regular channels, to be interviewed, and hopefully get a good industrial attachment. For me, I harboured thoughts of a job that fulfills the following three conditions.

1. It is not too far away;
2. It is relaxed;
3. It is well paid.

God certainly had a sense of humour. I was posted to a place that required me to wake up at 5.30am for six days a week, allocate at least three hours of travel per day, and received only minimum wages allowed under the program. After all the traveling, I had to cope with the different demands from my work colleagues, who saw me more as an interruption rather than a help. Looking back at my novice experience, I can say for sure that even though I did not get any of my three wishes, my experience was not that bad. There are many kinds of work that are much much tougher than my work experience then. I will be writing about one such job this week.

A) Toughest Job in the World?

One of the toughest jobs in the world is to work your hearts out, to cry your tears dry, and to battle the weariness of body and soul throughout. Not only is one often not paid, one has to fork out additional funds to do the job. This is caregiving.

It strikes me that social work tends to be something many say important, but the money that comes with it are sadly not reflective of the importance placed on it. Lip service? I see how some top bankers and corporate executives sit comfortably in air-conditioned offices, working according to their own time and convenience, and get paid millions of dollars. Their position often makes it difficult for them to appreciate what goes on at the bottom rungs of their organizations. Their pay is high, but their link to the lower ranks is low.

On the contrary, caregivers may come from third world countries, handling most of the household chores as well as taking care of the aged sick elderly person, or children who are chronically ill. They get paid very little. Family members often bear most of the brunt in caregiving. They are hardly paid, and often, they have to help pay for medical bills and other costs associated with the maintenance and care of their loved ones.

Caregiving is one of the toughest, if not the toughest in the world.

B) Give and Give / Take and Take

In Church, I see a lot of stress that comes with non-stop caregiving. Whether it is a case of a man suffering from Alzheimer's, or a child who is autistic, or a young man stricken with cancer, caregivers take the brunt of the physical and emotional demands of caregiving. People may say that love is the greatest. They extol the beauty of grace and of generous giving. They even claim that family bonds will grow tighter during difficult moments. When placed next to the actual suffering and caregiving needed, these come across rudely as empty words. For some caregivers, the prevailing perception of caregiving is that of a "give and give" relationship. They give and give, and keep on giving until they become a spent force.

This leads to a corresponding perception of the recipients of care, especially those who are totally dependent on caregiving for their daily activities. Readers who have experience with stroke victims can testify to this fact. When a sick person cannot help him or her own self at all, the caregiver does all the work. In such a case, the sick person becomes one who take and take, and take some more. Seeing how some families break down can often break my heart, causing me to pray: "Lord, why must they suffer?"

C) The Journey of Care

The Psalmist puts into words his journey through the valleys and the hills as he travels through the hills of Jerusalem. When he looks up at the hills, he exclaims aloud:

"I lift up my eyes to the hills — where does my help come from?" (Ps 121:1)

Knowing he is not alone, he follows up quickly by acknowledging his spiritual companion.

"My help comes from the Lord, the Maker of heaven and earth." (Ps 121:2)


The question is accompanied quickly with a knowledge that is firm and promising. Just like the Shepherd Psalm in Ps 23, the psalmist here declares out loud that it is the Lord who will comfort and will strengthen him on his journey through the ups and downs of the hills. His recognition of the Lord as "Maker" is more than symbolic. He knows that whether he is on earth or whether in heaven, God is present. God is in control. God is with him through thick and thin. God who made him, will also know and understand him. This knowledge is the essence of care. When we care for someone, we are essentially putting our words of love into works of action. We translate our intentions into tangible attention. We make known our inner selves through our outward deeds. The psalmist knows that he is cared for, and continues with a statement of trust.

"He will not let your foot slip — he who watches over you will not slumber; indeed, he who watches over Israel will neither slumber nor sleep." (Ps 121:3-4)

D) Trusting God

When we know we are cared for, our capacity for caring rises exponentially. With confidence growing, the psalmist moves from the first person to the second person. He moves on beyond self-care, taking the position of sharing his experience and encouragement with "you." He assures readers that we will not slip, that God will watch over us. Most strikingly, see how the psalmist describes that the Carer from above will "neither slumber nor sleep." I know of caregivers who get weary and more agitated as the care period lengthens. When their financial and emotional reserves are spent, the stress takes on a whole new level of despair. Just knowing that there is God who is caring for all of us, the sick and the caregiver together, is a big encouragement itself.

At an Alzheimer's Conference, one speaker by the name of  Dr Majid Fotuhi gives the following five tips for caring for the caregiver.

1. Tease your memory through brain games (give your minds a needed leisurely break)
2. Strengthen your heart through exercise (physical workout helps)
3. Be curious and learn (mental health)
4. Laugh (emotional health)
5. Eat well (Inner body balance)

All through it, he leaves out one important component: Spiritual health. In our technological world, medical professionals are good at scientific data, counselors are good with emotional counseling, and healthy professionals are good with physical routines and nutrition advice. The spiritual is often left to religious groups and pastoral personnel. Such compartmentalization only means that there is no single person who is able to help the caregiver or the recipient to piece together all of these aspects into one whole.

From my years of theological training, I have learned that the biggest challenge for caregivers is not theological. It is personal self identity. If we fail to know ourselves, we will not be able to handle grief or the pains of others who need us. Caregivers who are well-equipped with the technical know-how, but lack the self-knowledge of one's limits and potential, are digging themselves a future hole of despair. Let me share some tips for caregivers as I close.

E) Caregiving Tips

I learn this from an excellent book by Nell Noonan entitled, "The Struggles of Caregiving." First, recognize that the struggle between frustration and faith is real. It is not something to be resolved overnight, but something to anticipate from time to time. Let patience guide. Second, when we care for others, it is only a matter of time before we start to struggle with our own mortality and weaknesses. More accurately, we struggle with our own self-identity.

• What will I do if no one care for me?
• What if I get cancer too?
• How can I understand this pain?
• Who am I to give care?

Third, there will come a struggle with guilt. Could I have done more? Have I missed out an important step? What about the opportunity costs associated with the time and resources I have spent? For example, if a mother spends all her money and resources on the sick child, what about her other children who needs her attention too?

Four, there will be a struggle to try to make sense of the ups and downs so as to arrive at some form of equilibrium. How do I make sense of it all? Not all of these four stages will happen in sequence. They are just phases that can affect caregivers in different points of the journey.

That said, knowing that there are real struggles pertaining to faith, frustration, guilt, self-identity, and our weaknesses, we will be in a stronger position of caregiving. Add to that the faith and trust on God, we get spiritual help from above.

So, is caregiving the toughest job in the world? Maybe. I believe that while caregiving is tough, without faith and hope, caregiving is much tougher. This is why I believe the spiritual aspect of caregiving can never be ignored.

Begin with trust. Continue with trusting God. Le the One who watches us, who neither slumber nor sleep, keep us in Christ Jesus. When faith is present, the toughest job in the world is given to the Maker of heaven and earth. Caregiving is already tough. Let us not make it any tougher.

THOUGHT: "Within God-times, we allow our breaking hearts and weary souls to meet God at the deepest level of our suffering and struggle. When that occurs, a wondrous thing happens: God consoles and strengthens as only God can. A second outcome is surprising and humbling: we learn to console others in the ways God consoled us." (Nell Noonan)

sabbathwalk

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Copyright by SabbathWalk. This devotional is sent to you free of charge. If you feel blessed or ministered to by SabbathWalk weekly devotionals, feel free to forward to friends, or to invite them to subscribe online at http://blog.sabbathwalk.org . You can also send me an email at cyap@sabbathwalk.org for comments or enquiries.